Jar of Hearts

His skin, unnaturally white, is forever wet. He will never grow up. He will never grow old. He never even took a breath. He never had a chance. Forever stunted, forever trapped. Frozen in time. Jarred. Pickled. No, he's not the fetal pig you see in high school anatomy classes, but a baby.

Some may be upset with my use of the term "baby" since technically what I saw jarred were human fetuses in the embrology lab at the medical campus of the University of Veracruz in Poza Rica. However, though many will call me illogical or perhaps over emotional, what I saw were babies. Trapped in time, forever frozen, for the benefit of someone else.

I feel sick to my stomach. My heart aches. I'm fighting so hard to hold back the tears. Call me illogical. Call me dramatic. But I saw a baby. I saw children brought into this world, trapped without a chance. I saw people cast off and ignored. I saw my own fears of infertility when my future husband and I try to start a family.

I came to Mexico with this internship to teach English. But we were mislead. I feel lied to. I have not taught a single lesson since being here. At first it felt like a traditional study abroad trip, but now we are shuffled place to place for photo opportunities for others, and in between stuck in a house with open windows and men standing in the street huddled, watching as we come and go. People back home say they are proud of me. People here in Mexico say we are an inspiration. I feel like a sham. I wanted this to be my summer of service to others - how can I serve, how can I be this "inspiration" by simply being? By smiling for photos? For walking around a medical school campus? But never walking alone - everyone says it's too dangerous to walk in the city. We are told it's too dangerous to even take a taxi. Yet, we are told to take the taxi. We were informed of no safety concerns back home - we were assured this city was safe.

I have tried to stay positive but I've ran out of steam. I'm disappointed in the way this is playing out. I'm disappointed in myself. The people we are staying with are so nice...but the neighborhood, the city isn't safe. Coming to Mexico was a dream of mine...now at this moment I don't know what to think. All I see when I close my eyes are the babies in the jars and my heart is breaking. For the babies. For the children left alone in this world. For not being able to do anything. For feeling trapped myself...and I feel guilty for feeling trapped.

I pray for an open heart for what lesson I am meant to learn from all of this. And I selfishly pray for safety.